I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
