Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
