Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
