I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
