and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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