I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
