I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
