and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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