She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
