I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
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new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
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Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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