i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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