There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
