I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
