This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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