im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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