Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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