she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
