I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
