Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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