Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
