I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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