I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
