I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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