I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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