Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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