You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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