do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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