I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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