Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
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But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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