I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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