No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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