Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
