Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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