I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
