K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
you had me at cake vodka
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
