Where is the hickey?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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