I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
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Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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