I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
