mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
