He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
