this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
