Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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