I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
