I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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