And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
