I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
