thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
