If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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