saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
