so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
