I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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