Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
