Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
