I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
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I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
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She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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